CoCo Exclusive: An Interview With the P. of D.

Satan insisted on meeting us at the local Starbucks. We had scored this exclusive interview, so we didn’t want to object, even though Starbucks is not a union shop. It turns out he’s a sizable minority shareholder. He looked like a young, hirsute Dick Vitale with perfect teeth, but without the enthusiasm or the grating voice. He was wearing an old Ron Artest Indiana Pacers jersey. We were a little surprised to see that he didn’t sport any tattoos. We’ve always pictured Old Nick with tattoos. “I’ve thought about it,” he said, “but what could I get, really? I’m already the Prince of Darkness.”Colorado Confidential: As you may know, you’ve been injected into the public education funding debate here in Colorado. So tell us: Is there actually “a special place in Hell for these Privatizers, Charterizers and Voucherizers?”

Satan: Could be. I’d have to ask my people. Hell is a big place. I can’t be everywhere at once, unlike Some People I could name. Just last year we had to add a large wing for people who yell into their cell phones at the airport. I mean, we can barely keep up. The demand is tremendous. I’d like to franchise the operation. Eventually we’d be as big as Wal-Mart.

CoCo: In his email, Rep. Merrifield said that the Privatizers, Charterizers and Voucherziers deserve this special place. Do they?

Satan: (laughs) In Hell, everybody’s innocent. I’ve never met a single one of them who thinks he ought to be there. You could probably say the same for Wal-Mart.

CoCo: One of Rep. Merrifield’s opponents said, “It shows there’s absolutely no good faith on the Rep. Merrifield’s part, who is clearly more concerned with defending a crippled and ineffective status-quo public education system then creating opportunities for all kids.”

Satan: Well, I’ll tell you, we couldn’t build rooms in Hell fast enough to accommodate “bad faith.” We’re already thinking of paroling a lot of folks who are in for lesser stuff.

CoCo: We didn’t think you could go to Hell for “lesser stuff.”

Satan: We’ve got a lot of folks left over from the no-meat-on-Friday era. I always thought Hell was a little harsh for that particular sin, but there is just no convincing Some People. They’re in line to move up to plusher accommodations. Maybe we could put your … what are they again?

CoCo: Charterizers and such.

Satan: Right, charterizers. We could maybe put your charterizers in the space they clear out. If you really think it’s necessary. You know what Milton said: “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, and a Hell of Heaven.”

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Dan Whipple

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