Pastor Ted Not As Unsexy As Newt

Just out is Boston Phoenix’s 100 UNSEXIEST MEN 2007 and there, among the likes of Mitt Romney (#50, “The three unsexiest words ever: Special. Mormon. Underpants.”); Bill Richardson (#94, “Chubby presidential candidate has repped the USA in negotiations with some of the world’s scariest and weirdest dictators); and even Ann Coulter (#80, “Hellbitch” with “a conspicuous Adam’s apple and complementary set of brass balls”) — is Colorado’s very own Ted Haggard.

Coming in at #98, here’s what the altweekly has to say about Pastor Ted, identified as “Colorado male-escort patron”:

“Getting snagged with prostitutes is always a bad look, but Ted — no relation to Merle — compounded the common sin of adultery with heaps of lyin’, bullshittin’, and hypocritizin’. The leader of the 30-million-strong National Association of Evangelicals — as well as an anti-evolutionist and an important supporter of George W. Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign — preached anti-gay sermons from his pulpit while also making monthly paid visits to a male prostitute, with whom he allegedly snorted meth. More proof that God loves ugly?”

Keep reading for a sampling of others who made the cut.

• Eric Estrada (#88, “Was Ponch. Now Paunch.”)

• William Oefelein (#68, “When you first heard about the NASA love triangle gone awry, you pictured this guy — admit it — as Commander McDreamy, not as some second-rate Buzz Lightyear. Once you’ve had a fling with a woman in diapers, you might as well hang up your flight suit, player.”

• Newt Gingrich (#89, “Hypocrite moralist – Judging by his unyielding popularity with people whom his policies have decimated, Newt is quite the stud: Red-State America loves to get screwed by this guy. He’s also quite a charmer with the ladies, having served his first wife divorce papers while she was in the hospital with cancer so he could marry his girlfriend (yes, the girlfriend with whom he was having an adulterous affair while leading the moral charge against Bill Clinton for his marital infidelity). He then left that woman for his third wife. But if you want real unsexiness, look to Gingrich’s inner Danielle Steel. Consider this unsteamy image from Gingrich’s historical novel 1945, in which a character had “a pouting sex kitten athwart his chest.” That’s hot?”)

• And topping the list at #1, The Donald — Loathsome billionaire. And there’s that bad combover.

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Cara Degette

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