Doug Bruce for Vice President!

    Let’s move Rep. Bruce along to his rightful place in the political pantheon.In the brief period during which the Colorado state House has been in session, one thing has become clear: The only reason that Douglas Bruce is in the legislature is that Colorado Springs Republicans were eager to get rid of him. Following the time-honored Peter Principle, they promoted him from the El Paso County Commission to the state House.

    I think the next step in Bruce’s meteoric career should be obvious to everyone. So I’m starting a “Doug Bruce for Vice President” campaign.

    Using the Colorado Springs Republican strategy, this would have the salutary effect of removing Bruce from the state Legislature while placing him in a position in which he could do little further damage to the commonweal. As Thomas Marshall, 28th veep of the U.S. under Woodrow Wilson, said:

    “Once there were two brothers. One went away to sea; the other was elected vice president. And nothing was heard of either of them again.”

    Bruce offers the anti-tax credentials and geographical diversity that most of the current crop of Republican presidential candidates will be looking for come convention time.

    Bruce will also be in the company of his historical equals, men the caliber of William Rufus de Vane King, Thomas Hobart, Charles W. Fairbanks and Bruce’s doppelganger, Spiro Agnew.

    Accidents of family history have made me a student of the vice presidency. When my father was a boy during the Depression, he worked at the Schreiber Brothers butcher shop in Baltimore with Agnew. Dad always called him Ted. Dad would cut meat and Ted would cut the cheese. Sometimes they’d switch and Spiro would cut meat and Dad would cut cheese.

    They also served in the same Army company in Korea during that war. My mother has a picture in a shoebox somewhere of the lieutenants standing around, my father’s arm thrown loosely over the shoulder of good old Ted.

    Dad went on to a career in the Maryland construction industry, while Ted became Baltimore County executive, governor of Maryland and eventually Richard Nixon’s vice president, where he was heard, but not seen. My first real job was as office boy for a Baltimore structural engineer who was one of the people who blew the whistle on Ted for accepting bribes in exchange for state government construction contracts. Ted eventually had to resign from the vice presidency and plead nolo contendere to the bribery charges.

    Bruce is already ahead of Agnew. He has entered his own nolo contendere to kicking a photographer while on the floor of the state House. Nolo contendere is Latin for “I don’t think I’m guilty, even if everybody else does.”

    Again channeling Agnew, Bruce says he isn’t going to speak to the news media anymore. The only reason Bruce didn’t call them nattering nabobs of negativism and effete snobs was because Agnew did it first.

    Lest you fear that Bruce’s penchant for violence disqualifies him for the vice presidency, let me set your mind at ease. Quite the opposite. The office will give him the chance to really improve his chops. Photographer kicking? Pshaw. Vice President Aaron Burr shot and killed Alexander Hamilton. Vice President Richard Cheney shot and wounded Harry Whittington while on a hunting trip. I’m confident Bruce can improve on this record.

    Apart from the remote possibility that Bruce might become president, I can see no flaws in this plan. And even if he did succeed to that position, what’s he going to do? Invade Iraq?

    Bruce might consider the office of V.P. beneath him, though. When Daniel Webster was offered the job, he said:

    “I do not intend to be buried until I am dead.”

    But certainly an outpouring of public enthusiasm will overcome any reluctance on Bruce’s part. Sign up below to start a groundswell of support to move Bruce on to his next level of incompetence.

    Comments are closed.