Confessions of an RNC security guard

Over at Salon, Avi Steinberg has written a highly entertaining account of his time patrolling the Hyatt Regency in Minneapolis, headquarters of the Republican National Convention, for a (unnamed) private security firm. He explores the perils of tight pants and Sarah Palin, the noshing habits of secret service officers and the unexpected joys of chanting “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” Steinberg also comes up with an amusing taxonomy of the drinking habits of various GOP devotees:

4:15 a.m.
I’m developing a purely anecdotal theory about Republican drunkenness: that it’s related to ideology. The less ideological arrive back at the headquarters earlier in the evening, between midnight and 1 a.m. These are, in chronological order, the Romney and the Giuliani supporters. Both are East Coast, urban college grad, corporate types. They like to drink and reminisce about the Harvard-Yale game, but they also like to wake up early, shave and not smell like booze at committee meetings. The Giuliani people are secular and more openly lecherous. So they tend to drink a bit harder and stay out closer to 1 a.m. The Ron Paul people party past 1 a.m., but not much. And they shave but they don’t showboat.

The ones who stay out the latest and come back the drunkest, I notice, are the Huckabee folks, the party’s rural conservatives. They believe in Jesus, in the hard-bitten way of the true alcoholic. If they ever sober up, it’ll be by the grace of the Lord; and if they intend to stay on the sauce and continue living, then they’ll really need His loving kindness. If you intend to be drinking heavily until closing time — 4 a.m. in the Twin Cities during the RNC — you had better walk home with Jesus.

I can’t place true McCainites on the alcohol-ideology matrix. I think they were all asleep by 9:30 p.m.

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